Maintaining Great Relationships with Grown Daughters
By: Faith-Family-Freedom
Hello there!
In this blog, I will be exploring the intricacies of the mother-adult daughter relationship. I will delve into some of the relationship challenges moms may encounter with adult daughters, and I will try to offer some insights and advice from a Christian mom’s perspective. I want to start buy saying that my failings in this regard are what has led me to this humble attempt to try to help other moms to avoid the mistakes that I have made with my own daughters.
I want to first acknowledge that the mother/daughter relationship is one of the most significant yet complex relationships in the human experience. These bonds are incredibly nurturing but also incredibly complicated. Mothers are the primary caregivers and nurturers in a daughter’s emotional, physical, and spiritual development. However, as our daughters grow, spread their wings, take flight, begin a career, and get married, the relationship (at least mine with my daughters) can take a complicated, and at times emotionally dangerous turn. As this transition occurs, this metamorphosis can yield conflict, tension, and misunderstandings.
The Bible directly addresses the mother-daughter relationship. Ephesians 6:2-3 (paraphrased) expresses the need to honor parents so that it will go well for the children and that they may ENJOY long life. This passage speaks intimately of the importance of respect and gratitude shown by children to their parents. It is a relationship given to us by God, Himself. Just let the significance of that thought sink in a little! However, as daughters start asserting their independence, potentially challenging our beliefs and values as parents, even possibly making choices that we don’t agree with, it hurts both our hearts and souls to the core. This assertion of power/authority by daughters can start the process of creating tension, conflict, hurt feelings, and even brokenness between mom and daughter in both directions, in what may have previously been a loving and nurturing relationship. Throw a protective son-in-law into this mix, and it can become a three-sided dynamic rather than the much simpler one-on-one conflict. This three-sided conflict is often a result of unrealistic expectations, unresolved issues/conflict, and poor or even no communication between the parties involved.
For this portion of the blog, I will be speaking directly to adult daughters. But don’t feel singled out, daughters, I will address moms in their turn. Adult daughters really need to try to bear in mind that mothers likely possess a wealth of experience and knowledge that can serve for guidance, support, and wisdom. Mothers do not lose the skills they have developed through the years when their adult daughters leave the home. The adult daughter may simply forget her mother’s skill for a time. Acknowledgement of the wisdom, experience, and skills that a mother gains while raising a daughter over 18 to 20 years is a part of showing the respect and honor discussed in Ephesians. Active listening is also CRUTIAL for repairing a strained mother-daughter relationship. Actively listening requires difficult, self-disciplined practice and is every bit as important as the verbal component. Fully listening and hearing your mother rather than interpreting her words based on your own biases can be a very effective tool for improving the quality of communication and achieving resolution of complex relational issues. Lastly, adult daughters need to realize that moms are only human. We are normal people who are not without fault or flaw, and that we as moms cannot possibly live up to “ideals” or “ideal standards” conveyed in popular culture and media.
Now for moms: we are likely struggling with our own feelings of loss and grief with all of these major transitions and changes in our own lives. As our daughters grow, spread their wings, and take flight (which is what we raise them to to do) a sense of loneliness and isolation can develop. It can be difficult for moms to adjust to this new and extremely different phase of life, and moms can feel an overwhelming sense of emptiness as we attempt to navigate through the transition to the empty nest. We need to go back to scripture ourselves and find reassurance and comfort that God is ALWAYS with us. He always has a plan for our lives, even after that plan is no longer to be directly growing and nurturing our kiddos anymore. This is true even in that earliest time of transition when we may not understand exactly what that plan may look like or how it will present itself. As a mom, it is essential that we recognize the role we play in our adult daughter’s life; permitting her to learn, grow, and even to make mistakes without offering advice or judgments. It is very hard for us to release control. “Let go, and let God” is easy to say in theory but much more difficult to put into practice. It is hard to see her fall, it is hard to see her fail, it is hard to let her choose her own path. It is hard to let my daughters chart their own courses, especially when it veers away from the one that my husband and I have spent 18-20 years charting for them.
There seem to be two types of unhealthy responses by mothers going through the empty nest transition. The first mom smothers the daughter and doesn’t give enough space for her daughter to make her own decisions. The second mom (which I think I can most relate to) is the mom who backs away from the daughter. In my situation, because of the pain of the changing relationship dynamic with my daughters, I believe I just wanted relief from the conflict and avoidance became my defense mechanism. In my pain of the loss of the mother-child relationship, there have been times when I have neglected them and haven’t given sufficient support and acknowledgement of the difficulty of the transition for them as well. I have hidden away and figuratively licked my wounds, lost in my own feelings of isolation and grief. Both of these approaches are extreme and harmful to the emotional and psychological wellbeing of our daughters. These approaches can lead to feelings of frustration and resentment on both sides. Add in the new and protective spouses, and it is a recipe for an emotional and even volatile cocktail.
Another issue that mothers and daughters encounter in this complex life transition is poor communication. Daughters may perceive that their moms are overly critical or judgmental, while at the same time, and as I stated earlier, moms may feel like their daughters aren’t listening and taking our advice seriously. It is vital for both moms and daughters to realize that open and honest communication is critical to smoothing the transition and that empathy and compassion for the other’s struggles are essential. It is also vitally important that moms and daughters understand that when mistakes are made, because this is an inevitable fact, each should refrain from coming across in a judgmental or condemning manner, thereby assisting in maintaining open lines of communication/dialogue. Grace is the key!
As Christians, we are called to show love and respect, even in times of trials and conflict. We can demonstrate our love by listening to our daughters, offering support and guidance to them when requested, and by trusting that God is in control and has a plan for our lives and theirs. We show our Father’s love when we are kind and compassionate in our words and actions, even in the absence of agreement. We also need to bear in mind that forgiveness, patience, and open communication are not just necessary but are practices that form the basis for successful, fulfilling mother-adult daughter relationships. After all, the true power of forgiveness is expressed by Jesus in the gospel of Matthew. Jesus taught the importance of forgiveness to his apostles and disciples when He said to “forgive those who sin against you.” No eye for an eye, but total, heartfelt forgiveness. We are called as Christians to be mindful of our words and actions in ALL our relationships, this positively and emphatically includes the mother-adult daughter relationship. Forgiveness with no strings attached allows us to continue to love unconditionally despite our challenges, differences, and disagreements.
In conclusion, the mother-adult daughter relationship is among the most complex of relationships in this life. It can be SO challenging that both sides at times may want to just pull the plug and call it quits. But in reality, this special bond is wholly worth the fight to maintain. As God’s daughters, we can approach this special relationship with love, empathy, understanding, and trust in God’s plan. By communicating openly and honestly, offering guidance when asked, and showing kindness and compassion with our words and actions, we will build strong, loving, and fulfilling relationships with our favorite girls!
Thank you for taking the time to take a look at my thoughts as to how to have a blessed relationship with your adult daughters. May God go with you and bless you along your own journey.
April 30, 2023
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